A letter to you

Dear You,

Life in the last 1.5months has been tough. 

Very tough.

Every body goes through hard times at some stage or another. 

But lately instead of having one 'hard' thing to deal with as well as every day life, I seem to have several.

And with a four year old and a new baby... that shiz is hard.

The other night I put a photo on Instagram and didn't say much with it.

"Caught up in my thoughts today...Actually. To be honest. I think I'm struggling. Sigh."

I didn't do it for any other reason other then to vent... to lighten 'my load'.

A lot of the comments were encouraging...
A lot suggested jotting things down...

Some suggested 'seeing' someone to talk to...

That's the thing... I was in the car park waiting for my appointment with my psych.

To talk it out. 

I go weekly.

Every week it is hard... 
So many more things to talk about, so many more things to work through. 
She has helped with so many things and is still helping me move past a lot of others. 

But...
Right when we were at the cusp of finding reasons for some things and causes for others. 

Something happened.
Something big.

My life was shattered into a million pieces

Actually make that two million.

It was so left of field... 

Such bad timing {metal health wise} 

I had {at the time} a 3.5 month old and a four year old that needed me. 

You have no idea how much I needed them... to be normal... to keep busy.

So life went on...

A life went on.

But now... 1.5 months later... I still don't feel like I am living my life.
I still do not feel like I am me...

Life feels like it is going on around me and I am still stuck in that same place...

The exact same spot I was in 1.5 months ago.

I now have a 5.5 month old a a 4.5 year old WHO still need me. SO life must go on

But.

I miss laughing... oh to laugh.

I miss crying at the sad AND the happy things.

I miss feeling comfortable in my own surroundings.
I miss being comfortable around others because I constantly feel like I am being judged/scrutinised.

I miss me